Who am I? My first Journal Entry – January 28, 2014

“If you feel lost, disappointed, hesitant, or weak, return to yourself, to who you are, here and now and when you get there, you will discover yourself, like a lotus flower in full bloom, even in a muddy pond, beautiful and strong.”

Right now, I am feeling very dissapointed and weak. I don’t know why, and how it happened, but I do. I’ve never felt so alone in my life, and I am pretty sure that I’m not the only one. Even when I’m surrounded by friends, I still feel alone. When I smile or laugh, I’m actually crying deep down… Nobody wants to be around depressing people, and this is exactly why I have decided to keep to myself. This is exactly why I have created this little blog, tucked away in the corner of the Internet. Sometimes I just want to scream “Suck a Bag of Dicks” and be done with everything, but life goes on, or at least that’s what they tell us. Maybe I’m going crazy. Two months ago I lost the most important person in my life. My friends think I must be fine by now, I mean, It’s been two months already, how long can someone mourn? How can they tell if I’ve mourned enough? It still hurts. It hurts every day.  There’s a whole in my heart that will probably never heal. But they will probably never know. You see, that is the problem with me. People can never really tell what I’m thinking, what I am feeling, and what I want. I wear my smile like an armor, and find it impossible to verbalize any of my feelings, but right now, it feels like my heart is collapsing on itself. I don’t know why.

How do you reconcile with the loss of a loved one? How can life just go on as if nothing happened? Everything I do, I do for a purpose. I “lost” my parents to alcohol and pills a long time ago. I cannot talk to them, nor cry on their shoulder. It feels like I’ve always been on my own, struggling to succeed. Whatever the obstacle, I somehow managed to overcome it. When I had no money for college, I got a job, worked my butt off and somehow succeeded. Even if my childhood was a complete and utter freak fest, I turned out a great kid, or at least that’s what some people call me. So what the fuck is wrong now? I don’t want my diary to be a boring blabber about how fucked up life is. It’s fucked up. Everybody knows it. I am just looking for a way to make it work. Right now I am a hot mess. I’m lonely, I’m sad, I’m depressed. I’ve lost the one person that could never be replaced. The one person that would understand all of my feelings just by holding my hand, and I just can’t deal with the fact that I will forget her. Well, not her, but her scent, her smile, her warm touch… her kind words. It feels like one of my nightmares: a pale silhouette watching me from afar, and slowly melting away in the mist. I don’t want this to happen. 

I want to honor her existence on this planet the best way I can, so instead of mopping around like a pathetic teenager (no offence), I will try to live by her example. She was amazing, probably the best person I have ever met. Caring, successful, accomplished and loved by everyone. The day she was buried, God shed frozen tears. If I ever become at least half the person that she was, I will feel accomplished. Please walk hand in hand with me and help me become the person that I know I can be.  I really hope that i will someday look back on this journal, re-read it, and smile. I hope that when the time comes, I will be happy with my progress, and with myself. Here’s what I wish to accomplish:

• Take better care of my heart
• Be proud of myself
• Smile every day
• Become a better person

Who am I? Who do I want to become? What will my life be like five, ten, or twenty years from now? I honestly don’t know. I sure wish that this little Journal will help me find out.

Song of the Day: FKA Twigs – Papi Pacify

What is Love?

“Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful.

There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colors seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby.

Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life.”

– Bob Marley (Source: GoodReads)

16 Nov. 2013

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited, and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know. It is like walking up the stairs to your bedroom in the dark, and thinking there is one more stair than there is. Your foot falls down, through the air, and there is a sickly moment of dark surprise as you try and readjust the way you thought of things.” 

Always and Forever is a Grandmoter’s Love

A young woman went to her grandmother and told her about her life and how things were so hard for her. She did not know how she was going to make it and wanted to give up. She was tired of fighting and struggling. It seemed that as one problem was solved, a new one arose Her grandmother took her to the kitchen. She filled three pots with water and placed each on a high fire. Soon the pots came to a boil. In the first, she placed carrots, in the second she placed eggs, and the last she placed ground coffee beans. She let them sit and boil, without saying a word.

In about twenty minutes the grandmother turned off the burners. She fished the carrots out and placed them in a bowl. She then pulled the eggs out and placed them in another bowl. Then she ladled the coffee out into a cup. Turning to her granddaughter, she asked, “Tell me, what do you see?”

“Carrots, eggs, and coffee,” she replied.

The grandmother brought her closer and asked her to feel the carrots. She did and noted that they were soft. She then asked her to take an egg and break it. After pulling off the shell, she observed the hard-boiled egg. Finally, the grandmother asked her to sip the coffee. The granddaughter smiled as she tasted its rich aroma.

Then she asked, “What does it mean?”

Her grandmother explained that each of these objects had faced the same adversity — boiling water — but each reacted differently. The carrot went in strong, hard and unrelenting. However, after being subjected to the boiling water, it softened and became weak. The egg had been fragile. Its thin outer shell had protected its liquid interior. But, after sitting through the boiling water, its inside became hardened. The ground coffee bean was unique, however. After it was in the boiling water, it had changed the water.

“Which are you?” she asked her granddaughter. “When adversity knocks on your door, how do you respond? Are you a carrot, an egg, or a coffee bean?”